Pairing: Morgana/Gwen
Word count:
Rating: PG-13.
Summary/notes: For Eppy.



See me, the way I see you,
Lovely, wide awake in
The middle of my dreams.

*

When she is thirteen, Morgana begs Uther to let her play with the girls from the little houses in the kingdoms and he will not hear of it. She is noble born and a lady and ladies do not befriend peasant girls.

"But I want to make a friend," she insists and her voice breaks around the words a little like a wave does on a rock.

In the morning, he presents her with a new handmaiden of her age. Guinevere, he says. She is all dark skin and bouncy curls and she hurries off to clean her chambers.

Morgana, resentful, waits until she leaves and hisses, "I wanted a friend. This isn't a friend, this is a servant!" before she storms out.

*

"Uther gave me to you as a gift?" Gwen laughs, many years later. She is still all dark hair and bouncy curls.

Morgana laces their fingers together, kisses her knuckles as a knight would a lady. As if she is courting her.

"Fate gave you to me as a gift," she says and it is true and sweet. Gwen laughs with the absurdity of it; darling Gwen who cannot see her own worth.

"Morgana," she says, for no one is around and so 'my lady' is unnecessary, "it is your birthday soon. You received many nice gifts and I hope you shall receive nicer ones still."

"I already have everything that I want," she insists and the words linger between them before Gwen, mindful of the servants who pass outside of the room says, "but I hear Uther might grant you with a new horse, a white one, certainly. I hope he will, thought he might have intended to keep it a secret."

Morgana kisses the frown from her forehead.

"I'll act surprised.

*

That night she wakes up screaming from a nightmare.

Gwen is there in less than a minute, strong arms wrapped around her shoulders, soothing words pressed into her hair.

She weeps into her shoulder for an hour and even then refuses to let her go.

"I'm sorry about what I said this morning," she whispers.

"Hush, Morgana, what is this now?"

"You cannot gift a person. You are not anyone's to give. You are your own. When this shall end - when Arthur is king, I shall free you. You will not be my handmaiden but my equal."

"I doubt I'll be much of a lady, Morgana," she says and then with a lighter tone, as if she is determined to make her laugh, "can you imagine me wearing one of your gowns? I will be a mockery. They'll call me the servant girl who wears her ladies clothes."

"I shall banish them if they shall! All of them cannot compare to you. You are more of a noble than they'll ever hope to be. A true lady of this kingdom. And you shall look very beautiful in my gowns," the thought of it makes her shiver and she presses into Gwen, smiling.

"Fate did not gave you to me, Guinevere," she only ever calls her that when she is truly serious, "our souls found one another. That is fate; not its doing."

Gwen's lips are warm and taste of oranges that night.

*

In Ealdor, Morgana blesses whatever luck that gave her the chanced to sleep next to Gwen.

The room is not solely their own so she cannot entirely get her wish; she cannot turn and curl into Gwen's side, kiss the place her neck meets a shoulder and below, cannot kiss her for long hours.

But beneath the blankets, she presses her hand to hers and Gwen presses back, all her love in that gesture and it is enough.

*

Later that night, Gwen is drawing her a bath; Uther refuses to allow her at a table in her breeches and with dirt all over her.

Morgana baths as Gwen folds towels.

"If I'd ask you to run away with me before we left Ealdor, what would you say?"

Gwen grins, Morgana loves it so; she smiles at everyone, innocent and sweet but is only this good humored with her. "I'd say you have finally stepped out of your senses."

"I mean it. We could go. No one would know who we are. We could go back to my father's lands and you could be the lady I wish you to be."

"And then what will you do with me? When I am no longer allowed to fold the towels or the sheets?"

Morgana smirks, just a bit; "I can think of a few things I'd like to do with you."

"Morgana!"

She laughs.

*

Weeks later is is winter and Morgana had turned as cold as the ground.

Gwen watches her, cautious. She had asked her time and time again what is wrong with her and Morgana dismissed it as "nothing" at some cases and at others simply said, "that would be all for today, Gwen."

Just as she did now.

There are times in which Gwen forgets her place; as the time she chided the Prince for not showing respect to the people of Ealdor by dismissing their food.

It is the same now.

"Do you think it is right? To treat me as a friend one moment and dismiss me as nothing as your maid when you are no longer comfortable with it? It is hardly such," she says and regrets it at once.

Morgana turns, suddenly so very angry she does not look herself, "how dare you? You don't even begin to understand!"

"How can I when you won't tell me?" she says, only because it is so unfair to be blamed for something like this.

"You won't understand!" she yells and Gwen should know better.

Still, she cries, "can you tell the future now, Morgana?"

Several things happen at once. A vase breaks, Morgana screams and then dissolves to tears.

*

Hours later it is night time and Gwen had not gone home, has no intention to either.

Morgana is pressed into her, their shoes discarded, head rested on her shoulder. Her gown will be a mess in the morning but it is fixable.

"I should have told you. I did not know what you'd think of me. If I lost you I would surely die of grief. If you looked at me as a monster - "

"Hush. What are you saying? You know I shall only ever see you as yourself, Morgana."

"Don't tell anyone. Of the nightmares or the - "

"Or your magic. They'll be our secret. Can you count how many secrets we have?"

Morgana smiles and shakes her head, "it shall take years."

"It is but another one. Hush now, you are silly at times. Try and sleep."

Morgana kisses her and her lips taste of her tears.

"Stay a while," she begs.

"As long as you'd want me," she smiles.

*

The morning after, Morgana wears a fresh gown and is all smiles.

She brings her fresh flowers and sets them in a new vase.

"Forever Gwen," she says suddenly, as if she is continuing a conversation they had until now.

Gwen smiles, hands her the vase, "forever then; with your leave, my lady."
*